Current mood: amused

Hi Everyone,

I will be sooo glad when this Valentine b/s is over and done with...the Bermuda Triangle (Christmas, New Year, V.D.) over for another blessed year...but anyway, in the meantime, like many other singles, my friends have been getting creative in their crappy choices of blind dates for me, A.J. Llewellyn.

A friend of mine set me up with a heavyweight boxer we'll call...Chump. A single father of three, he's raising his kids alone and he has decided after three failed romances, he'd like to try something different...men.

We spoke on the phone, I liked his voice. Turned out we'd met, briefly at a boxing gym in Hollywood when I was interviewing another boxer and he said my laugh intrigued him. I, for the life of me could not remember Chump at all, but agreed to meet him for lunch at a place called Friday's.

I had to drive all the way to Culver City (not close) and meet him at a freeway off ramp since he was insistent that I would never find the restaurant. 

Damned straight. I followed his pretentious yellow Hummer and Chump couldn't find the place himself. Forty five minutes later, we rolled into the parking lot, another thirty minutes to find parking. Feeling like I'd aged 10 years, we were finally inside Friday's which was bursting at the seams with diners.

Chump and I made small talk until he embarrassed me by jumping the queue and sliding into a booth. A formidable, African American male around 6'4" and just as wide, nobody seemed game to mess with him. The wait staff were, however, drawing straws to pick who wouldn't have to serve him.

Did this mean somebody was going to spit in my food?

One foot in the aisle ready to escape, my left eye began to twitch when Chump told me of his world  heavyweight championship asipirations. Was he high? He's already 40 (old in boxing years) and I already knew his record was 0-4. Meaning he's lost every single fight he'd ever had.

As soon as he squeezed himself into the booth, several layers of blubber flopping over the table top, he looked at me and told me that when he becomes heavyweight boxing champion, he'll dress me "good."

He then lay out an array of cell phones, a Sidekick, a pager, a blue tooth and a tazer and proceeded to conduct various lengthy, covert conversations on his various pieces of hardware, disappearing outside twice until it dawned on me, Holy Moly, he's selling drugs out there!

I was both frightened and fed up and the waitress hadn't even brought our menus yet. And of course when she did bring us menus, he ordered for me. A bunch of fried items that hardened my arteries just hearing him real off the enormous amount of food we'd be eating.

"I'd like a green salad," I chimed in.

"No you wouldn't," he said, thrusting the menus into the waitress's hands. She took off and he took a call. I was beginning to hope he'd pick up his tazer by mistake, turn it on, put it to his ear and knock himself out.

As he concluded a long, embarrassing argument with his latest baby mama, he laid out the reasons why he was interested in dating a man: "I love anal sex."

Before he could get far with that area of discussion, he vented about women and then dovetailed into a dissection of the bible and how modern men and women are morons to believe the bible.

"I mean, c'mon," he said. "Could you imagine if I called Child Protective Services and told them my baby hahd just been born in a manger? They'd take the kid away from me for sure."

Now I knew the Chump was a certifiable lunatic. Trying hard not to laugh, I tried to point out there was no such thing as CPS 2,000 plus years ago.

"Are you kidding me?" he spat. "That's how much YOU know."

He gazed out the window just in time to see his Hummer being repo'd by two guys in a truck. Chump screamed, almost knocked down the waitress who'd just approached our table with enough food to feed a family of five, yelled at me that I was going to have to drive him around the rest of the day, picked up his tazer and ran outside.

I waited until the waitress stabilized the tray, gave her a tremulous smile and I ran from the restaurant, around the back and crawled on hands and knees when I heard Chump screaming my name, hiding behind various vehicles until I reached my car. Dropping the keys twice, I played cat and mouse with him as he stalked off, apparently not seeing me squeezed under my vehicle.

He did see me peeling out of there and I must say, he moves pretty fast for such a hefty chunk of cheddar. He snapped off my car radial and and the gas tank cover, but I escaped.

I will never be able to set foot in that gym again, I may have to enter the witness protection program, but so will my friend who set me up with Chump...if I don't find her first.

"What were you thinking?" I asked her. "Why did you think I'd like him?"

"Because he's single. And because my husband saw him naked in theh gym shower and said he's hung like a horse."

Which just goes to show two things: Men, gay or straight, check out other men. And I need a piece of cake.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Aloha oe,

A.J.

Currently listening : In Between Dreams By Jack Johnson Release date: 01 March, 2005