Current mood: amused

Hi everyone,
So yesterday, back in civilization in Waikiki, and after many cups of coffee (and three cherry napples) at Napoleon Bakery in Ala Moana Mall, my mate Tony (who is now flirting with the idea he could be gay) walked into Barnes and Noble bookstore. He went to check out photos of nude men to see if they gave him a woody (his word, not mine) and I shot straight to the Hawaiiana section. I was incensed to find this pervasive, self-published paperback by a certified moron who claims the 1893 US sanctioned overthrow of the Hawaiian Monarchy's Queen Lili'uokalani never happened. This is exactly like saying the US invasion of Iraq never happened. This ridiculous book even had its own display, front and center.
I quickly busied myself hiding each and every copy under the biggest, heaviest books I could find while one of the store employees stood there and watched. I don't know what this guy thinks of me, since I do this chore every time I walk in there but anyway...I hunted down Tony, who claimed not to be feeling anything as he stared at pictures of some pretty hot guys.
"I need to keep looking," he said with a cheery wave. "I want to feel the earth move, baby."
So I left him to his investigative duty and I grabbed my car and drove to Iolani Palace. I was pleased to find that the beautiful Hawaiian flags from the weekend celebrations of the Queen's birthday were still in place.
An ugly, futile pro-sovereignty coup was staged here a few weeks ago leading to twenty arrests and the temporary closure of the palace. I was glad to find it is once again open for tours and I joined the twelve people already in line to take the last one for the day.
I've done it countless times but I take it often to remind me of my inspiration. When the Queen was overthrown, she was arrested, charged with treason and held captive in a room on the top left floor. It's the room Jack Lord always payed homage to in every episode of Hawaii Five-O.
This room is my inspiration because although it was her prison and she was denied access to musical instruments and newspapers and personal visits, this wonderful, talented woman wrote 250 songs during her long, hideous trial and her sentence. These songs still remain the most important ones Hawaii has ever produced. Whenever my friends tell me their troubles, the troubles that stop them from writing, I hammer them with her story.
I think I joined the geriatric group outing yesterday. I was the only guy there under a hundred. We were sitting on the side lanai, putting on paper booties over our street shoes to start the tour inside the palace when Tony came cluttering up the stairs.
"A.J! Mate!" he screeched. "It's all right. I'm not queer!"
All the little old ladies sitting beside me blinked and stared at him.
"Tony, you might not be gay but you are queer, mate," I responded.
"No, no. I saw a picture of Madonna and mate! Wood galore! I got me a fuckin' forest of redwood in my pants!"
One of the little old ladies giggled. She laughed so hard, she almost choked, took her teeth out of her mouth, spat on them and put them back in.
(Eeewww!)
Tony knew without my having to tell him, but I did, just in case he needed help. He was about to find himself in a world of hurt.
"Madonna gave you wood? Mate. That definitely means you're gay."

Aloha oe,
AJ

Currently listening : Hard Candy By Madonna Release date: 2008-04-29